


Embrace

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 17:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11582472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: What had caused this catastrophe? The most innocuous of things. A hug. One simple embrace.





	Embrace

Kathryn walked slowly out of sickbay, deep in thought and not really paying attention to where she was going. B’Elanna had been successful, and more importantly, she was alive. Kathryn had been so worried. She’d given B’Elanna permission to attempt this bizarre ‘away mission’ to contact her mother in the afterlife, knowing that if anything happened to her, she was responsible. Kathryn could live with the consequences of her decision. That was not the problem.

The problem was she was shattered. Emotionally gutted. And what had caused this catastrophe? The most innocuous of things. A hug. One simple embrace.

Kathryn and Tom had been by B’Elanna’s side throughout the whole experience and with her when she regained consciousness. On awakening from her ordeal, B’Elanna had uttered the word “mother” and grabbed Kathryn in a desperate and emotional embrace. They’d both held on tight, B’Elanna fulfilling her need to give and accept love, and Kathryn devouring that love like a starving person.

She hadn’t realised until that moment how long it had been since she’d been that physically close to someone. Eventually B’Elanna had pulled away and thrown herself into Tom’s arms and cried, but it had left Kathryn bereft. The disconnection had ripped her open. It was as if in that brief touch something had attached itself to her heart, and in pulling away it had been torn from her chest and left exposed. That brief connection had shattered her reserve. Her walls had crumbled and the ice that had surrounded her heart had melted in that moment. She felt a physical ache and a longing that she hadn’t felt in years.

She’d left sickbay in a daze and began walking. Thinking and walking, totally oblivious to all around her. She’d accepted the isolation of command without question, remaining aloof and apart because that was what she thought her job demanded. She had been wrong. So very wrong.

It had been years since she’d had such close contact another human being. How had this happened? How had she not noticed? All her life, in the years leading up to being stranded in the Delta Quadrant, not a day had gone by where she hadn’t been close to someone. Her mother, father, Justin, Phoebe and dear, dear Mark. They’d been a family at ease with giving and receiving affection. She’d held someone or been held everyday of her life up until five years ago.

She thought back over the years out here. Three hugs from Kes. That was it. In five years she had been hugged three times, and Kes had left over two years ago. In the ensuing years the only human touch she’d received was the occasional handshake and pat on the shoulder. She’d done plenty of touching herself. A hand on an arm here, a palm on a chest there. Obviously she had been trying to maintain some sort of contact, but for a tactile person such as her, it wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough.

She thought of that experiment conducted many hundreds of years ago where children were fed but not nurtured. They were given the rudiments for survival but no love or affection. They all died. Was that what was happening to her? Was she dying a slow death from lack of a loving human touch? Why had this not occurred to her before? Perhaps she was dead already.

No, she was alive, of that there was no doubt. If she were dead, she wouldn’t be feeling this terrible pain.

She kept walking and thinking. Her mind was in turmoil. She was having a profound physical reaction as well. Her hands were shaking, there was a buzzing in her ears and she had this overwhelming desire to cry, something else she hadn’t done since Kes left. Not a tear in two years. How had she allowed this to happen?

She knew all the psychological mumbo jumbo. It had been drummed into them in command school, the effect that isolation has on an individual. The loss of empathy, the emotional detachment and the selfish and egotistical drive that forcibly distances people. It creates a kind of self fulfilling prophecy that ensures more isolation, more detachment in an ever deepening spiral of misery and loneliness. And here she was slowly and inexorably falling into the abyss.

Her whole body was shaking now and she was sweating. It was a physical reaction to the emotional stress of trying to claw her way out of the dark hole she’d found herself in. What to do? Where to go?

Now that she’d made that connection, it was like an addiction. She needed more. She needed to be held again. She needed that closeness and warmth to help soothe her soul and mend her shattered spirit. She was like an addict looking for her next hit. All these years of abstinence had made her more susceptible to the drug of need.

She kept on walking and thinking, not paying any heed to where she was going. All she knew was that she had to feed this craving or she would die. Not physically die, although that was on the cards, but emotionally die, never able to feel or love again.

She walked and thought, walked and thought. Suddenly she found herself at his door.

She stopped. Here she was, outside Chakotay’s quarters. She placed her hand on his door as if doing so would create the connection she craved. Just knowing he was on the other side of this door gave her a sense of solace. She knew what she needed and she was certain he would know what to do. She rang his door chime.

The doors slid open and she stepped through. He was standing in the middle of the room. She couldn’t move. She was trembling uncontrollably and her distress was clearly evident. He looked at her, concerned. His brow furrowed as he moved towards her. He’d never seen her like this. “Kathryn?”

Words would not come. She forced them in a strained whisper. “Please, hold me.”

Without hesitation he stepped forward, wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. She wrapped her arms around him and melted into his dear embrace. His strong arms enveloped her and he clutched her tight to his chest. Slowly her trembling eased and she felt herself rising up and out of the darkness. She clung to him, he pulled her closer. He was warm and solid and he felt like home.

Her heart swelled and tears of relief and joy tumbled down her cheeks. She was crying and laughing at the same time, her relief was so profound. Here was where she was meant to be. He was what she needed to keep her whole. He was running his fingers through her hair and gently stroking her back. She should have known. He had known, but she’d refused to acknowledge it. She needed him. She loved him.

“Kathryn? Are you alright?” He was worried. This was so unlike her.

“I am now.” She reached up and cupped the side of his face. She gently kissed him and then wrapped her arms around him again.

“Kathryn, what’s wrong?” She stayed where she was, holding him tightly and drowning in the embrace. It was all he had ever dreamed but he was still worried about her. She was behaving completely out of character.

She spoke into his shoulder. “Nothing is wrong now. Everything is right for once, but something has been wrong for so long and I only just realised it. Chakotay, I love you. I need you. And if you’ll have me, I want to be with you.” She lifted her head to read his reaction.

He closed his eyes slowly and then opened them again looking at her adoringly. “Oh spirits, Kathryn. Have you? You have no idea, do you?” He leant down and kissed her deeply. “I love you. I’ve always loved you and always will.”

“Good.” That was all she needed to know. They stood in the starlight, wrapped around one another as their hearts beat together and love breathed life into their battered souls.

She would never be alone again. Her heart soared and her life started anew.

 

- _Fin_ -


End file.
